Life in the fishbowl

The only thing that I would feel embarrassed of is if I was misrepresented, by my own actions or by another’s.  It doesn’t happen much anymore, but the typical situation when I would misrepresent myself would involve alcohol consumption, however due to my interest in social interaction, which tends to include alcohol, I’ve become much better at handling myself now.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to tell when I am in fact shitfaced unless you know the traits to look for.  The other typical situation for another to misrepresent me is when someone is by my definition, all over me in public.  It’s gross, get your arm off from around me.  Holding hands, or a hug or very brief kiss, probably on the cheek, upon parting, are about the extent of my physical contact in public.  People say they don’t want to see two dudes/chicks making out, I don’t want to see anyone making out.  It’s gross.  I reserve my intimate actions for intimate environments, they’re more enjoyable when they’re not every second or in line at the grocery store, movies, restaurant, etc.  Just sayin’.

I honestly can’t really explain or justify it, but I am a bit obsessed with my weight.  I think that that is one of the few things that not many people know about me.  I am not and have never been anorexic or bulimic, but I constantly check my weight.  I don’t let how much I weigh determine what I eat, it’s actually sad how little I care about my dietary choices as far as health is concerned, but it’s something I would like to condition myself to focus more on.  I really lack self-discipline and if I feel like eating junk, I tend to eat junk.  So, I have decided that I am going to try very hard to direct my focus more towards being healthy and less toward analyzing whether or not I gain weight when I eat nothing but pizza for a week.  So, now that my hip is doing a lot better, I am going to work on exercising more, eating healthier, and not paying attention to my weight, because if I know I’m working toward a healthy lifestyle, who cares how much I weigh?

So, I got my hip replaced.  But that’s not the exciting part of this little story.  As you can guess, my mobility has been a bit limited since the surgery, although it is returning faster than expected, I do get worn out pretty quickly.  Anyways, I was sitting and talking about phobias with my friend and saying how I’m not really afraid of anything, which is generally true, anything that scares me is rational, not like being afraid of puppies or something, when the doorbell rings.  Naturally, I get up and answer it.  

This is how I met Al.

Al is a very nice guy, he’s a postman and former paramedic.  This comes in handy, because seconds after answering the door, everything started spinning.  My head was suddenly a thousand pounds, my stomach was in my throat and all I could hear was this ringing blocking out his voice asking “Are you okay?! Sit down, take it slow.”  He checked my pulse, checked for sign of dehydration, checked my temperature, asked if I was on any medications (yes) and even helped me back up and into the house.  As I said, Al is a nice guy and didn’t “get fresh” with me, as he put it.

I’m not saying it’s okay to go out and blackout in front of every person that comes to your door.  But have a little faith in humanity.  Although simple much of the time, people are basically decent.  If rapes and murders were so common, it wouldn’t be all over the news every time one of these incidents occurred.  

Also, yeah I was scared.  But not of Al, of the fact that I was blacking out.  It seems like a valid concern.  Not a phobia, but still scary.

I just want to make it known that whether it’s Iraq or Afghanistan (in my family’s case, both) and regardless of what anyone else says, it is a fucking war zone.  One is not better than the other, one is not safer than the other.  All we can hope is that our loved ones are safe and keeping their head straight in both literal and figurative ways.  I am very thankful that my Dad and brothers are some of the smartest people I know, but it only takes one moron. In the same light though, it only takes one genius to fix some things.  You have to stay positive.  You can’t stop going.  But I can’t help but be a bit pissed when someone says “Oh, it’s not so bad in that area right now.” Fuck you.  You aren’t there, you don’t know.  I’m going to end off by saying I am endlessly proud of all three of my brothers and my Dad for everything they do, and that will never change. Ever.

The other night I was waiting to clean a theatre at work, which happened to host Tangled.  I went in to see how much longer until it ended, and I came in on a dialogue (google chrome doesn’t think that’s a word, by the way) of Rapunzel begging to be freed only to heal her love interest, and then would comply with whomever the villain is, I don’t know. (There are no spoilers here, it is a fucking Disney movie, you know how it ends) In any case, I would hate to feel so devoted to someone that I would sacrifice my entire being for them.  I’ve done enough of that, it’s now time to be devoted to myself.  So a notice to anyone who wants in on this, just settle for being my friend, cause it’s not going to go anywhere.  I’m perfectly happy on my own; alone, not lonely.